Ok, so I really AM in the Christmas spirit!

But only because of the best reason ever! Christmas slasher movies!
I'm talking "Silent Night, Deadly Night" and "Christmas Evil". I'm sure there are others, but those are the two that stick out in my mind.
I'm watching "Christmas Evil" right now. It was also released as "You Better Watch Out", which in my opinion is a better title.
It's also notable for the scene where the mom from Home Improvement slaps her kid across the face. Can't really get away with that shit nowadays.

I liked "Silent Night, Deadly Night" better, only because the killer Santa Claus walked around the neighborhood with a fire axe muttering "Punish!" I remember when it first came out. I, for some reason, took a date to see it, knowing damn well she wouldn't like it. We never went out again. No accounting for taste, I guess.

Anyhoo, hunting down and watching these movies will give you something to do after the screaming kids finally fall asleep.

Enjoy!

"I realize these views are unpopular, but I've never courted popularity."

I really REALLY think I'm alone on this one, (and that's ok), but I STILL hate the Evil Dead sequels.
I've tried to like them. I really have.
But, I think the difference for me is, I'm old.
Hear me out.
When the first Evil Dead came out, I was about 17. On the poster, it said " 'the most ferociously original horror movie to come out in years.' -Stephen King". I remember walking to the theatre to see it. All my friends lived in the opposite direction, so I walked there alone.
I couldn't believe my eyes. It truly was terrifying and creepy. It was unrelenting and stomach-turning. The first truly scary moment was when the girl was naming the cards from across the room and they turned to her and she was floating there, speaking in that voice. Couldn't believe my eyes. And it just wouldn't stop from that point on. One creepy moment after another. On almost no budget.

When I left the theatre, I thought, "I finally got my money's worth at a horror movie." Yes, I was already jaded by that point, and movies were probably about $3. But still.
The walk home alone that night was one of the creepiest things I've experienced.

Six years went by.
Six years of me thinking that the Evil Dead was the scariest movie I've ever seen. By then, I'd moved to California, and rented the VHS copy from the local "49er Video" more times than I can count. Creeped me out everytime I watched it.

Then, Evil Dead 2 comes out.
I couldn't freakin' WAIT!! I went the first day it opened.
Disaster.
They made it a comedy. They went for laughs. Cheap laughs at that. They cheapened my experience and memory of the first one.
I came out of the theatre feeling completely stupid for liking the first one. THIS is what they thought of their audience?? It was a slap in the face.

Imagine seeing "The Exorcist" when it first came out. Easily one of the scariest movies of all time. Then imagine they came out with "Exorcist 2" and you run to the theatre in anticipation of having the living fertilizer scared out of you again. Instead, you're treated to Linda Blair cracking jokes and mugging for the camera. Wouldn't you feel stupid for being scared at the first one?

I hear the argument "Part 2 is where Ash became a badass!" *cough*samantha*cough*
Why do we need another badass in a movie?? We already have John McLane (Die Hard), Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean Claude Van Dam, Dirty Harry, and a whole raft of other Hollywood tough guys.
One of the things I liked about the first Evil Dead was that Ash was a normal guy. Someone we could all identify with. What would WE do if we were out in a cabin in the middle of the woods, miles from nowhere, and all of our friends were turning into demonic zombies? I know what we WOULDN'T do, and that's start spouting cute tough-guy one liners before beheading a zombie.

Ok, I know most people like the sequel, and the equally terrible "Army of Darkness", but look at it from my point of view. Most of you probably saw "Army" first, then, probably the first and then the second one. You were conditioned to respond to the comedy first, so the horror of the first one got lost on you.
I saw the first one first. And was actually scared.
If I want to see a comedy, I'll watch Slap Shot for the billionth time. And STILL laugh my ass off.
But that's another blog.....

It's WAY too early for this shit.

Here we are, mid-November. Two weeks before Thanksgiving. The memories of a great Halloween still fresh in my mind. And I'm already sick to fucking death of Christmas.
I've never been a huge fan of Christmas anyway. But, seriously. One week before Halloween, I saw my first Christmas commercial of the season. Two months before the day.
So, two months out of twelve, one sixth of our lives is spent shopping, preparing, being bombarded by Christmas bullshit.
So, here is my proposal.
I say Christmas should be treated like Halloween.
Leave it for the kids.
Kids love it. They should.
But once you hit young adulthood, you shouldn't be forced to participate. If you want to, that's fine! Decorate your house! Dress like Santa! Go nuts!
But if you choose not to, you shouldn't feel forced to.
And you should be able to punch anyone in the face who used the words "Bah humbug" or "scrooge" when you say you don't like Christmas.
It would go a little like this:
"Hey, Tom. Do you like Christmas?" "No." "What a Scrooge! Bah Humbug!" POW!!! "OW! Are you out of your fucking mind???"
Fair warning.
And don't give me any bullshit about it being Christ's birthday. We all know that it stopped being about that years ago.
So, to wrap this little rant up on a positive note, I do love some of the old Christmas specials. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Mr. Magoo's Christmas, A Christmas Story.
But you can watch them any time of year. You don't have to wait till December. Or October.

I'm hungry.

Bye.

I KNEW it!!!

Wow....

I'm sitting here watching the news of Barack Obama's victory in the presidential race.
I'm old enough to remember the Civil Rights Movement of the 60's. It's a vague memory, but I remember my dad watching the news as all the unrest went on almost nightly.
It's amazing that we now have an African American president.
Keith Olbermann on MSNBC said earlier, "Do you remember the night Walter Cronkite described Neil Armstrong walking on the moon for the first time? This is a "man on the moon" moment."
Remember where you were tonight, everyone.
You'll want to tell your grandkids.

Congratulations.
To all of us.

Wing Nuts

Ok, so I just got done having a "conversation" on myspace with a woman in Florida about politics.
She posted a bulletin about "left wing bullshit" and "a vote for Obama is a spit in the face of the brave souls who gave their lives for this country".
I have relatives who fought in wars and gave their lives for this country. If you listen closely, you can hear them spinning in their graves.

First, she trotted out the old chestnut "If you don't love this country, leave".
I wonder if she has a son-in-law called "Meathead".

She said that "Obama hasn't produced a birth certificate".
Well, a simple google search reveals that, yes, he has.

She said that, and I'm not kidding, "Obama may or may not be the Anti-christ" and to "dust off your bible and look it up".
I'm not going to dignify that with a response.

"Obama is a socialist", she says. "If you don't know the meaning of the word 'socialist', look it up."
I advised her that maybe SHE should look it up.
Asking the rich to pay their fair share in taxes while giving a break to the middle class is not socialism. I looked it up.

I strongly advise everyone to check out Crooks and Liars. And Daily Kos.
Sure, it's a strong "left" slant, but there's some stuff on there that everyone should see.

Just a weird thought....

I wonder if it's possible...
When McCain picked Palin as his running mate, his initial poll numbers went through the roof, momentarily.
Now the cry goes out, even from Republicans, to McCain to dump her.
Could it be possible that McCain is planning on dumping her a week or so before the election, hoping the shake-up will give his poll numbers a final jump before the election?
Geez, I hope I'm wrong...

Oh, what the hell...

After posting the blog about Johnny Ramone, and just today hearing from a friend from PA that I haven't heard from in over 15 years, and my band rehearsing Plasmatics songs for the Dead Rock Stars show on halloween, I've been feeling sort of nostalgic.
So, I thought I'd relate another story of a show I went to years ago in PA.
My friends and I found out the Plasmatics were playing locally. It was in a made-over movie theatre in Sunbury PA.
My friends Chris and Ellen and I got permission from our parental units and made the hour trip to Sunbury. When we got there, there was a small line of "punks" standing outside, and across the street from the theatre was a park. The park was loaded with religious protesters with signs saying shit like "Satan is coming to Sunbury", etc... Along with the protesters were a small army of tv reporters aiming their cameras at us while the protesters screamed at us about what sinners we are. Geez, we just wanted to see a rock show!
At one point, a reporter came up to me and asked me what I thought about the protesters, why I liked punk rock, shit like that. They took my picture, too. I gave them the quote "We're not on drugs, we don't like to drink. Just wanna dance real fast, get sweaty and stink."
Jumping ahead, my picture was in the paper the next day with that quote underneath it, much to my parents' horror. Why they were horrified that I announced to the world that I don't drink or do drugs was never satisfactorily explained to me.
But, I digress...
The show itself was amazing. I got right up front in front of Wendy O. At one point, during one song, Wendy dragged a 6 foot step ladder out and placed a small tv on top of it. It was turned on, and the screen was just snow. She pulled out a sledgehammer from somewhere, and while the music continued, she held the hammer up over her head, using all the theatrics she could muster. She turned around and swung the hammer and it crashed into the side of the tv. It landed on the stage about 5 feet from me, exploding in a ball of sparks, glass and smoke. The crowd went nuts! A while later, I wiped the sweat from my forehead, and looked at my hand. Blood! My head and face were covered with blood! I felt my face and head to see if it was mine, when I felt a small bump above my hairline. (my THEN hairline, not my NOW hairline). I picked at it, and pulled out a half inch long piece of plastic that matched the color of the tv. Plasmatics shrapnel!! I kept that piece of plastic for years, along with my Ramones pick, but I long ago lost it.
Sometime during the show, Wendy reached down to shake my hand, and when I grabbed her hand, she pulled me up on stage with her! She started dancing at me, so I danced back! After a couple seconds of that, she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and pushed me backwards into the crowd. My first stage dive!

After the show was over, I left with the best after-show glow I've ever had! As we left the theatre, the protesters were still across the street screaming "Have you been saved???"
I thought to myself, "Fuck yeah, I have."

Come back, Johnny...

A few days ago was the anniversary of Johnny Ramone's death.

It got me thinking about an encounter I had with him years ago.
It was the spring of 1980, and the Ramones were coming to a small college about an hour from where I lived in Pennsylvania.
I got right up front against the left side of the stage where Johnny stands. He kept throwing guitar picks out to the crowd, but, being right under his feet, they were all going over my head.
At one point, he looked down at me and I mouthed the words "Can I have a pick?"
I must have looked so pitiful and pathetic that he dropped a pick on the stage right in front of me. I quickly put my hand over it. Woo hoo! I got a pick from Johnny Ramone!!
Suddenly, I got punched in the back of the head, knocking my glasses onto the stage and momentarily stunning me. I scrambled to retrieve my glasses. When I finally got them on, I looked around and my pick was gone! Seriously! Someone punched me in the back of the head for a goddamn guitar pick!
Well, apparently Johnny saw all this, and more than likely thinking I was even MORE pitiful and pathetic than before, handed another pick directly to me. I was so happy!
I still carry that pick in my wallet 28 years later.
I saw the Ramones 14 times after that. Everytime it was an incredible show.
So, thanks, Johnny, for the pick and the music and the memories.

A little tip for you....

So, I figured out how to abruptly end a conversation with an insanely boring customer without being completely rude.
While they are jabbering away about a subject I lost interest in by the time they hit their second sentence, I reach into my pocket and slyly open my phone. I find the arrow pad with my thumb, nodding every once in a while to act like I'm interested. I press "down" which brings up my phone book. Then I press "up" which goes to the last name in my phone book, which is "work". Then I press "go". Suddenly, the work phone rings! "Oh, I'm sorry, I have to cut you off. But I'm very interested in why the blacktop looks darker when it's wet! But I have to answer the phone."
Then I pick up the phone, and pretend I'm in a conversation until the bore leaves. And, believe me, a conversation with no one is more interesting than the shit I listen to sometimes.

So, there you go.
You're welcome.

Here we go....

From Margaret Talev, McClatchey Washington Bureau--

The ad- A new 30-second TV ad claims that Barack Obama backed legislation to teach "comprehensive sex education to kindergartners." The announcer then says, "Learning about sex before learning to read? Barack Obama. Wrong on education. Wrong for your family."

The truth- The accusation came hours after the Obama campaign released a TV ad critical of McCain's votes on education.
As a state senator in Illinois, Obama voted for but was not a sponsor of legislation dealing with sex education for grades K-12. But the legislation was designed so that local school boards could offer "age-appropriate" sex education, not comprehensive lessons to kindergartners, and it gave schools the ability to warn young children about inappropriate touching and sexual predators.
Republican rival Alan Keyes tried to use Obama's vote against him in the 2004 U.S. Senate race. At the time, Obama spoke about wanting to protect young children from abuse. He made clear then that he was not supporting teaching kindergartners about explicit details of sex.
Obama spokesman Bill Burton said Tuesday of McCain's ad: "It is shameful and downright perverse of the McCain campaign to use a bill that was written to protect young children from sexual predators as a recycled and discredited political attack against a father of two young girls."


And this guy's ahead in the polls.....

Yep....

So, who are YOU gonna vote for??

I don't know who wrote this, so I don't know who to give credit to, but I thought it was interesting.....


Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her Republican supporters held back little Wednesday as they issued dismissive attacks on Barack Obama and flattering praise on her credentials to be vice president. In some cases, the reproach and the praise stretched the truth.


Some examples:

PALIN: "I have protected the taxpayers by vetoing wasteful spending ... and championed reform to end the abuses of earmark spending by Congress. I told the Congress 'thanks but no thanks' for that Bridge to Nowhere.
"

THE FACTS: As mayor of Wasilla, Palin hired a lobbyist and traveled to Washington annually to support earmarks for the town totaling $27 million. In her two years as governor, Alaska has requested nearly $750 million in special federal spending, by far the largest per-capita request in the nation. While Palin notes she rejected plans to build a $398 million bridge from Ketchikan to an island with 50 residents and an airport, that opposition came only after the plan was ridiculed nationally as a "bridge to nowhere.
"
(edit-just heard, she also didn't give the money back.)

PALIN: "There is much to like and admire about our opponent. But listening to him speak, it's easy to forget that this is a man who has authored two memoirs but not a single major law or reform — not even in the state senate.
"

THE FACTS: Compared to McCain and his two decades in the Senate, Obama does have a more meager record. But he has worked with Republicans to pass legislation that expanded efforts to intercept illegal shipments of weapons of mass destruction and to help destroy conventional weapons stockpiles. The legislation became law last year. To demean that accomplishment would be to also demean the work of Republican Sen. Richard Lugar of Indiana, a respected foreign policy voice in the Senate. In Illinois, he was the leader on two big, contentious measures in Illinois: studying racial profiling by police and requiring recordings of interrogations in potential death penalty cases. He also successfully co-sponsored major ethics reform legislation.


PALIN: "The Democratic nominee for president supports plans to raise income taxes, raise payroll taxes, raise investment income taxes, raise the death tax, raise business taxes, and increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars.
"

THE FACTS: The Tax Policy Center, a think tank run jointly by the Brookings Institution and the Urban Institute, concluded that Obama's plan would increase after-tax income for middle-income taxpayers by about 5 percent by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan, which cuts taxes across all income levels, would raise after tax-income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent, the center concluded.


Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families.


He also would raise income taxes, capital gains and dividend taxes on the wealthiest. He would raise payroll taxes on taxpayers with incomes above $250,000, and he would raise corporate taxes. Small businesses that make more than $250,000 a year would see taxes rise.


MCCAIN: "She's been governor of our largest state, in charge of 20 percent of America's energy supply ... She's responsible for 20 percent of the nation's energy supply. I'm entertained by the comparison and I hope we can keep making that comparison that running a political campaign is somehow comparable to being the executive of the largest state in America," he said in an interview with ABC News' Charles Gibson.


THE FACTS: McCain's phrasing exaggerates both claims. Palin is governor of a state that ranks second nationally in crude oil production, but she's no more "responsible" for that resource than President Bush was when he was governor of Texas, another oil-producing state. In fact, her primary power is the ability to tax oil, which she did in concert with the Alaska Legislature. And where Alaska is the largest state in America, McCain could as easily have called it the 47th largest state — by population.


MCCAIN: "She's the commander of the Alaska National Guard. ... She has been in charge, and she has had national security as one of her primary responsibilities," he said on ABC.


THE FACTS: While governors are in charge of their state guard units, that authority ends whenever those units are called to actual military service. When guard units are deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan, for example, they assume those duties under "federal status," which means they report to the Defense Department, not their governors. Alaska's national guard units have a total of about 4,200 personnel, among the smallest of state guard organizations.


FORMER ARKANSAS GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE: Palin "got more votes running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska than Joe Biden got running for president of the United States.
"

THE FACTS: A whopper. Palin got 616 votes in the 1996 mayor's election, and got 909 in her 1999 re-election race, for a total of 1,525. Biden dropped out of the race after the Iowa caucuses, but he still got 76,165 votes in 23 states and the District of Columbia where he was on the ballot during the 2008 presidential primaries.


FORMER MASSACHUSETTS GOV. MITT ROMNEY: "We need change, all right — change from a liberal Washington to a conservative Washington! We have a prescription for every American who wants change in Washington — throw out the big-government liberals, and elect John McCain and Sarah Palin.
"

THE FACTS: A Back-to-the-Future moment. George W. Bush, a conservative Republican, has been president for nearly eight years. And until last year, Republicans controlled Congress. Only since January 2007 have Democrats have been in charge of the House and Senate.

FINALLY some GOOD movie news!

Well, only 27 years after it was made, one of my favorite lame "punk rock" movies is finally out on dvd. "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains" is coming out Sept. 19th.
If you've never seen it, it's about a girl punk rock band, fronted by a very young Diane Lane, and Laura Dern. They get very popular, and get thrown on a tour with The Looters, who is comprised of some actor as the singer, and Steve Jones and Paul Cook of the Sex Pistols/Professionals on guitar and drums and Paul Simonon of the Clash on bass. They're both support bands for a "Kiss"-type band fronted by Fee Waybill of the Tubes.
The girl band gets a much bigger response on the tour and end up headlining. This movie was obviously written by someone who was in a shitty punk rock band and thought they should have been bigger than they were.
It's definitely worth checking out, if only for the "live" footage of the bands.
5 stars

Whew! I'm actually in a GOOD mood after writing a movie blog! haha!

That's it....

I give up.....
Look at THIS.

One of the pitfalls of living in a house in an alley....

For the second time in as many days, I had to chase a drunk away who was taking a piss on the wall.
This one was weird, though.
I told him to "get the fuck out of here", "an alley isn't a fucking toilet, asshole", etc....
Then he came back with "Are you telling me you've never pissed in an alley before?"
I said "No, I haven't!"
He said "Are you serious? You've NEVER pissed in an alley before?"
Am I missing something? I'm used to that sort of questioning when I tell people I've never drank before. I get a LOT of "Seriously? You've NEVER drank alcohol?"
But pissing in an alley?? Is this a by-product of the whole drinking thing I'm missing out on? It sounds like almost no fun at all.
Oh, well. Add it to the list of shit I don't understand.

Bigfoot must be real...

Hell must have frozen over, and pigs can now fly.

I had a good experience at Safeway.

It's good to know the folks at Safeway read my blogs.
They must.
Either that or the old cliche must now say "53rd time's a charm."
I went grocery shopping today. I didn't used to hate grocery shopping, but in the last year, I've learned to.
I remembered my stupid card this time. I found everything I was looking for, too. The lines were long, but as soon as I got in line, a clerk came up and said, "I'll take you over here sir." and opened up a new register. He didn't drop anything, and my total came to $50.01. I gave him $51, expecting him to be a prick about the penny and give me .99 back. But he handed back the dollar!
So, while I bitch when people are assholes, I like to think I give credit when they're not.
So, Safeway, here's to you.
Keep it up. Don't make me blog about you ever again.

*sigh*

I seriously think these movie executives sit around in a huge conference room asking each other "What can we do today that will piss Tom off?" Then they do it.

It was just announced that Billy Bob Thornton is going to play Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare On Elm St. remake.
I think I've made my opinions on remakes clear.
I like how they call it a "reimagining". What they really mean is "We've completely run out of ideas. People go see these stupid remakes. Which one can we remake to cash in on this shit?"
Y'know, make all the sequels you want. If they're any good, people will go see them. But leave the original alone. Normally, I'd have put that last sentence in bold and in CAPITAL LETTERS, but I'm just beat down. There's nothing left in my tank. It takes a lot out of me to hit that "caps lock" button.
I also like how they say "Ooooo, Wes Craven is involved, so it'll be good!"
Did anyone see "The Final Nightmare"? It was the one where Heather Langenkamp, Nancy in the original, plays herself, the actress. She is making another "Nightmare" movie in the movie. The "real" Freddy Krueger haunts the set. Or something. It fuckin' sucked. And Wes Craven wrote and directed that.
Fuck it. I'm done.

Oh, and they're remaking "Fargo" with Jake Gyllenhall and Ice-T as the hitmen, and Elizabeth Hurley as the cop.
















Not really. But admit it. It didn't sound all that far-fetched, did it??

Ok, a little more bitching....

I have been living in my current house for one year. Happy anniversary to me. Anyhoo, my neighborhood grocery store is now------ Safeway. (I just threw up in my mouth a little).
Ok, quickly, a list of businesses I have a problem with:
Starbucks
Safeway

Maybe it's just businesses that start with "S".
Look out, Shopvac and Sara Lee. You're fuckin' next.

So, in the one year I've lived here, I go to Safeway once a week to get my groceries. So, roughly 52 trips to Safeway. 52 SHITTY trips to Safeway. And counting.

EVERY time I go there, I come out saying to myself "I'm NEVER going back in that shithole ever again." But I do, because it's the only grocery store in walking distance.
When I go in there, the clerks are downright rude. They drop my groceries on the ground when they run them over the scanner only to pick them up and continue like nothing happened. No "sorry, sir, can I get you another one?" (this has happened 4 times in the last year! In all my 44 years, I've never had that happen ONCE till I started going to this dump!)
I get money orders there to pay my bills. Usually I go somewhere else, but Safeway has stamps. So, I bite the bullet and go when I have to. EVERY time, I stand at the counter waiting for a clerk. If it's only 10 minutes I consider myself lucky. Employees walk past me and when I ask them if someone is working the counter, at best I get a slight acknowledgement that I exist, at worst I get completely ignored. When a clerk decides to show up, they act like they're doing me the biggest favor by waiting on me, punching buttons on the machine WAY too hard, shaking their head, acting VERY put out, like it's MY fucking fault their life sucks.
Sometimes I forget my stupid little Safeway card. When I tell the clerk, and give them my phone number, of COURSE it doesn't work. So, I guess I'm fucked. At Albertson's, they have a card at the register that they scan for me. Not here, though. You're fucked. And I get VERY pissed at myself when I forget my goddamn card. It's almost worth walking all the way back home to get it.
It's gotten so bad with this ass pit that the other night, when I found myself completely out of food, I actually ordered a $20 pizza from Round Table just so I wouldn't have to deal with their bullshit. $20 is my grocery money for the week.

Someone PLEASE open a new grocery store close to my house!

War of the Gargantuas

One of my favorite "giant monsters destroy Tokyo" films! It's about 2 giant, hairy "Frankenstein" monsters. One is green, ultra-violent and lives in the sea, one is brown, docile and lives in the mountains. They are actually referred to as "Frankensteins" in the movie. This is the sequel to "Frankenstein Conquers The World".
It also stars Russ Tamblyn, Dr. Jacoby from Twin Peaks. The War, of course, takes place in the "Madison Square Garden of the East", downtown Tokyo. I won't spoil it by telling you the winner, so you'll have to track it down yourself. The suspense is KILLING you, I can tell! Have fun trying to get to sleep tonight!!
4 stars, go find it.

Oh, and this one!!

My older brother and I had one of these. Still one of the greatest/creepiest toys we owned. It was a robot with a human face under the face shield. Was it a man in a robot suit? A mechanical robot with a human head? Who knows?? But the way it spun around and sprayed the entire room with imaginary bullets was enough to make a 5 year old PLOTZ!!

How 'bout this one?

I had this one too, when I was a kid.
You wound the string around the top, yell "go!" and pull the string, and the last top standing won.
Hours of fun!

A Trip Down Tetanus Lane

Does anyone remember this?? I used to have one of these when I was a kid. I had a flashback the other day about another toy I had, Major Matt Mason. It was sort of a GI Joe astronaut. It was out in the very early 70's, when the Apollo missions were going strong. So I did a google search for it, and I found a bunch of toys I had when I was a kid.

The Fort Apache was great, because, unlike toys today, it had small parts and sharp metal edges. And yet, I somehow managed to survive! Choking and lockjaw were just a part of growing up!

There was also a "medieval" version of this toy, too. It had actual catapults, with little plastic rocks. Great stuff.

There was one toy I couldn't find online anywhere. Maybe someone else remembers it too. I don't remember the name, (which may be why I can't find it online), but it was sort of like a small circular platform, with a clear plastic dome over it. the platform heated up. You put these little plastic squares, about an inch square, and 1/4 inch thick, in the pod. As it heated up, the squares transformed into monsters. Then, when you were done playing with the monsters, you put them back in the pod, heated them up, and stuck them in a sort of "car masher" for the monsters. You squished them back down into squares. You could do it over and over again. I can't count how many times I burned the shit out of myself. Who the hell knew you could sue for that shit now? It was a character builder. I must have character up the ying yang.

*update!*
I found it!


The little crank thing is what you turn to smoosh the monsters back into squares.
Anyone at all heard of it, or had it??

Ok, enough of my bitching....

Back to the movies....
A few years ago, I found a movie called Blood Freak. It was made in 1972, and understandably flew under even the "cult flick" radar. Every movie has the right to have bad acting, low/no budget, etc, but this one abuses the privilige.
There's a chain-smoking narrator who can't quite disguise the fact that he's reading from a script, and who has mid-sentence coughing fits.
There's a monster that's really nothing more than a guy in a rubber turkey mask. The monster was created when the guy smoked pot and ate experimental turkey.
No, I'm not making this up.
The noise the Turkey Monster makes is loud, annoying, and apparently played on a loop, over and over..... and over..... and over....

Don't take my word for it. Here's the trailer. And, believe me, the movie doesn't make as much sense as the trailer makes it seem.
4 Stars! Enjoy!

A Little Off Topic....

Ok, when I first started this blog, I figured it would just be a way for me to bitch about shit. After reviewing my last few blogs, it's sort of turned into a way for me to talk about my obsession with bad, schlocky movies. Which is fine! I love talking about them, and I've gotten a few comments.

But, just for now, I'm gonna bitch.

If you don't know, I work at a local coffeeshop. It's a very "mom and pop" place. It's been around for 25 years, long before Starbucks decided they wanted to take over the world in a now-failed bid. (ha!!)

I am SO FUCKING SICK of people coming in to my work, and asking me if we can do drinks "like Starbucks"!!!
A little word of advice to my dear readers:
Do you get all dressed up, go to a fancy restaurant, sit down, look at the menu, hand it back to the waiter and say, "Can you do a Big Mac, like at McDonald's?"
NO!!! YOU DON'T!!!
Let me let you in on a little secret. Starbucks sucks. They burn...er...roast their beans a whole time zone away. By the time the beans get to the store they're at LEAST a month old. But since they're all over the fucking place, people think that Starbucks is the end-all-be-all of coffee. When people come into our place and taste real coffee, they're blown away! (Ok, I didn't want this to turn into a CoffeeWorks commercial).
The point is, don't go into a fancy restaurant and order a Big Mac, don't go into McDonald's and order a Whopper, and DON'T go into a coffee shop and order a motherfucking frappuccino!! And, if you're dumb enough to go into a coffee shop and order a motherfucking frappuccino, and I say I don't know what a motherfucking frappuccino is, DON'T look at me and say, "You know, like at Starbucks??" I WORK at a coffee shop! I don't GO to Starbucks!! If you want something specific, say "I'm looking for a blended mocha. Do you have anything like that?" I would be happy to get you what you want.

Ok, I feel better.
But, god help the next person who orders a motherfucking frappuccino from me. Before I cave their head in with the espresso machine, I'm gonna say "Didn't you read my motherfucking blog???"
Then BAM!!!!

Ok, back to the movies.
Check this movie out:

Return of the Aliens Deadly Spawn

Tourist Trap

Equinox

I found this on Youtube. I forgot to mention below that Equinox also stars Herb Tarlek from WKRP in Cincinnati!

More of my favorite semi-obscure movies

Here are some more from my collection that you should check out. Most of these I have on dvd, and might be able to burn anyone a copy, if you want one.

1. Eating Raoul- Starring Mary Waronov and Paul Bartel. A dark comedy about a couple who kill people who.... man, it's hard to describe. You should just check it out. More than likely on netflix. 4 stars.

2. Equinox- This actually was released on the Criterion Collection. Couldn't believe it when I found it! EXTREMELY low budget! HORRIBLE acting! Special effects that look like the director let his 6-year old handle it. DEFINITE 4 stars.

3. Tourist Trap- starring Chuck Connors (The Rifleman). He's a guy that runs a weird museum of sorts. He also makes mannequins that come to life. Also starring Tanya "Charlie's Angels" Roberts. Good stuff. Terrible. 4 stars.

4. Human Highway- Directed by Neil Young. Can't find it on dvd, but I have it on VHS. Weird beyond belief. The best part is Neil playing with Devo in a dream sequence. You GOTTA find this.

5. American Movie- A documentary about a couple of douchebags trying to make a low budget movie. The director borrows money from his relatives who are worse off financially than he is. All to make a terrible movie. Anyone who ever messed around trying to make a movie should watch this. I've heard that in some film classes in colleges, this is required viewing. You'll just shake your head. Great flick.

I'll do more later. Good luck!

Movies you should seek out

I'm bored here at work, so I thought I'd give you some movies that I've seen that some of you may not have. They're pretty obscure. (I think so, anyway.)

1. The Return Of The Alien's Deadly Spawn- Probably early 80's. I saw this one in the theatre when it came out, and back when they used to show movies like this in the theatre. It was only out for like 3 days, at least in Williamsport PA. I found it on vhs years ago, and made myself a dvd copy of it. Definitely worth looking for. Terrible special effects, worse acting. Gouts of blood. The 3 things I look for in a movie.

2. Nightmare- Again, very early 80's. Chances are, if you look this one up, you'll find A movie called Nightmare, but it won't be this one. Again, saw it in the theatre for the 3 days it was out. (God, I miss the early 80's!) It's about a serial killer that stalks a little kid. Can't get away with THAT shit anymore!

3. The Car- Starring James Brolin. Possibly made-for-tv. Back when they made COOL made-for-tv movies! It's about a Devil car that terrorizes a bunch of people at a church in the middle of the desert. The sound the car makes is classic!

4. Duel- Starring Dennis Weaver. Not as obscure as the others, but definitely worth seeking out. About a guy driving across the desert (what is it about cars and deserts??) when he gets harrassed by an evil trucker. Also, it's Steven Spielberg's first movie. After seeing this movie, my mom, if there was a truck behind her on a 2-lane road, would pull over and let them pass! Seriously!

That's all I can think of now. I have to get back to work anyway.
I'll try to come up with some more...
If you have any that I should seek out, I wanna know about them!

Murderball

So, have you seen this movie, Murderball?
It's a documentary about the US Quadruplegic Rugby Olympic Team. It was very good, actually, but not exactly what I was expecting.

It basically focuses on this one guy (can't remember his name. I'm terrible with names anyway!) who used to play for the US team. He's been in a wheelchair since polio took the use of his legs and most of the use of his arms. He was on the team when they won the gold medal a few years ago. Well, as what usually happens, he got older, and eventually didn't make the team. So, what did he do? Did he accept the fact that he's no spring chicken anymore and move on with his life? No, he did what any true blue American would do, he sued. He brought a lawsuit against the team for not letting him on, and lost. (HA!) So, did he then accept the court's decision and decide to focus on family and support the sport he loves? No, he did what any asshole would do, he asked the Canadian team if they need a coach. His only goal now is to beat the Americans who wouldn't let them on their team. He lives in the US, and coaches the Canadians.

Speaking of his family, he has a son, about 9, that plays the violin. This poor kid has a long hard road ahead of him. There's a shot of dad telling someone he has a son who plays violin, with obvious embarrassment in his voice.

He and his wife celebrate their 10 year anniversary at a nice restaurant. His wife lifts her glass and says "To you." Does he reciprocate, and say "No, to you." or "To us."? Nope. He lifts his glass and says "To the gold, baby."

This guy, and really, everyone else on the team, is an asshole. While I have infinite sympathy for their position in life, they're assholes. I could go on about what the team members did, but I've rambled on about it long enough.

I was expecting a nice documentary about the human spirit, rising above the handicaps life has dealt, that kind of thing. These guys are assholes. I can't blame the filmmakers for these guys being jerks. So, all that said, you should see it.

Two thumbs up!

And ANOTHER thing...

Keanu Fucking Reeves in the remake of "The Day The Earth Stood Still"!!!!
GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Bad Boys (2008)

Ok, I'm now completely out of ideas for my blog. So, I decided to redo my last blog.

There's this drunken bum...


Ok, not really. I'm just trying to prove a point.
I'm REALLY fed up with Hollywood's quest to remake EVERY movie ever made.

I just found out today that Quentin Tarantino is remaking Faster Pussycat Kill Kill! He's trying to cast porn star Tera Patrick in the lead role. Tera Patrick is a beautiful woman. Probably WAAAY too beautiful to be doing porn. So, it's nothing against her. I just have a problem with remaking one of the greatest movies I've ever seen. And I WILL say, if anyone is gonna remake it, I'm glad it's Tarantino, because I'm sure he loves the movie as much as I do and will at least TRY to do it justice, but COME THE FUCK ON!!! It was done to perfection the first time! Along with Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead, The Longest Yard, King Kong, (twice), Halloween, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Cape Fear, Freaky Friday, Cheaper By The Dozen, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, Gone in 60 Seconds, Assault on Precinct 13, Willard, House on Haunted Hill, The Hills Have Eyes, War of the Worlds, Manchurian Candidate, Mighty Joe Young, Bad News Bears, The Nutty Professor, The Fly, Godzilla, Village of the Damned, Planet of the Apes, Island of Dr. Moreau, Walking Tall, The Pink Panther, Psycho, The Fog, The Out-Of-Towners, Rollerball, The Omen, Shaft, Ocean's Eleven, not to mention the planned remakes of:
Battle Royale, (the GREAT Asian film! See it!! NOT the fucking remake!) The Evil Dead (I KNOW!! They're gonna fuck up the only film in the trilogy that didn't SUCK ALL THE ASSES!!!), Conan the Barbarian, Logan's Run (Sorry, Cary, it's true!), Death Wish, The Taking of Pelham 123, Fahrenheit 451, Friday the 13th!! The Last House on the Left, Hellraiser, Tron, Clash of the Titans, Akira, The Birds! (AAAAUUUGGGHH!!!), Frankenweenie!!, Nightmare on Elm St., The Warriors!!!!!, Piranha, Escape From NY, Meatballs, Porky's (Gonna be called "Howard Stern's Porky's"), Short Circuit (I'm pretty sure the original sucked all the asses that the Evil Dead sequels missed), Straw Dogs, 1984, The Dirty Dozen, Footloose!!, The Thing, (which was already a remake, before it all got out of hand), the Swarm , Fame, and probably worst of all, Plan 9 From Outer Space!!!

Seriously.

I guess every idea ever has been done. In the 100 years since the movie camera was invented, we've done EVERY single possible idea for a movie. So, I guess instead of using our imaginations, let's just "reimagine" the movies we've already done.

Enough is enough.

Am I alone here? Is everyone clamoring to see all these goddamn remakes??

End of rant.
I feel better.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

Normally, I'm "Pro-cop". I know that's not a popular stance to take to the "punks" out there, but really, it's a shit job, they don't get paid a lot to do it, and like any other group out there, a couple assholes give them all a bad name. I truly believe that the vast majority are good, hard-working people trying to do their best.

That said, a couple of them pissed me off yesterday.

There has been a drunken bum woman who has been hanging out around my work lately. Maybe the "bum" moniker isn't exactly PC, but I believe there is a big difference between "homeless" people who are truly down on their luck and need our help, and "bums" who choose to live like that, asking for change so they can get shitfaced drunk and cause more problems. But that's another blog.... :)

Anyway, I'm fairly certain this woman is harmless. But she is CONSTANTLY drunk. She sits on the front patio at my work bumming change off of our customers as they come in. When I go out to POLITELY shoo her away, I get "I'm gonna fuck you up, boy. Fuck you." blah blah blah. So, I've gotten less and less polite in my shoo-ing. I'm now at the point I don't even bother. I just call the cops. They have told me that I shouldn't even have contact with her. Just to call them right away. Well, yesterday, she and another bum we have trouble with were in the parking lot here, sitting against the wall sharing a bottle of hooch. They were there for quite a while, getting progressively louder. So, I called the cops.

They actually showed up fairly quickly. Five or ten minutes. I thought, "Oh, good. This will be the end of it." I watched as they asked for their id's. (without ever getting out of the car, mind you.) I couldn't hear what was going on, but after chatting for a minute or two, the cops drove off, and the bums went back to what they were doing. WTF???

About 15 minutes later, the man was gone, and the woman was passed out drunk in the parking lot. Now, the parking lot is basically my front yard. I'm pretty sure those cops would have been pissed if they got home from work and found a couple bums getting hammered in THEIR front yard! I went out and yelled "HEY!!" at the woman. Nothing. After yelling a couple more times right in her face, I came back in and called the cops again. I got the same dispatcher I got the first time. I told her the cops showed up, did NOTHING, and now she was passed out in the parking lot. She apologized and sent another cop out. By the time he showed up, she was gone. Probably to bother shoppers at Safeway for change.

They always say, "Don't take the law into your own hands." Well, when they don't do their fuckin' job, what choice do we have? If the situation arises again, (I mean WHEN it arises again), why would I call them? I know she's going to get abusive, and if she's drunk enough, she might even come at me. But if I can't count on the cops to do their job, I have to do it.

There was another time that 3 drunk guys were hanging out in front of my work on the patio at closing time. I went out and started stacking chairs. I said, "Closing up, guys, I need your chairs." They said "fuck you. We're not leaving." So I called the cops. The drunks broke bottles, kicked chairs around, yelled, threw stuff, etc. I told the dispatcher all of this. This was about 6pm. Fucking 11:30 that night, the cops showed up! Five and a half fucking hours??? Are you kidding me???

Ah, to hell with it. I'm gonna go have some watermelon.

Til Death Do You Part??

So I was talking to my sister Sue this morning, and she was telling me about a friend of ours from high school (someone I barely knew. More her friend I guess.) who is getting divorced.
With the national divorce rate WELL over 50%, isn't it time for change?
I just don't think "forever" is possible anymore. I propose that marriage licenses expire after 5 years. If things go south before that, by all means, get a divorce. If, at the 5 year mark, you decide that you wanna go your separate ways, split up the loot and call it a day. If you hit 5 years and things are going great, pick up a 3 year option and get on with it.
It's a whole new world from when our parents were married. I think I only knew one or two kids in my school that had divorced parents. And of course we hucked rocks at them till they cried and pooped their pants. (just seeing if you're paying attention.)
I think we should all start a petition to put this into law. I think the Governator would be into it.
Anyone know where he hangs out?

If I was on a desert island...

Lately, my friend Samantha Marie and I have been coming up with Desert Island Whatevers. Top 5 movies, cd's, songs, books, etc that we'd have on a desert island that was equipped with dvd players, stereos, etc...

So I figured it would make a good, quick blog.

Here are my Desert Island Dvd's, in no particular order.

1. Night of the Living Dead- I HAVE to have a zombie flick on the list, and this one is the best by far. I'll NEVER get sick of watching this movie.

2. Pulp Fiction- Tarantino at his best. There is so much going on in this movie, I could watch it over and over. And I have.

3. Slap Shot- The best sports movie ever. Hands down. If you haven't seen it, see it. You'll be quoting it for the next year or so.

4. The South Park Movie- Still makes me laugh my ass off everytime I see it. The best show on tv, and one of my all-time favorite comedy movies.

5. Full Metal Jacket- Best war movie ever made.

There you go. Let's hear yours!
Maybe next time I'll do cd's.

McCain Vogueing!

Courtesy Stephen Colbert's Green Screen Challenge!

I Believe In Showmanship!

Today I got the first Wrestlemania from Netflix. I'll be getting all the subsequent Wrestlemanias for the next month or so. Watching the first one today made me nostalgic for early WWF along with a lot of other stuff from my childhood.
I remember going to a WWF match at Williamsport High School around 1980 or so. Going to a WWF match then and going to one now are two wildly different things. Now you have to get your $50 nosebleed tickets weeks in advance, if you're lucky enough to get them at all. Back then, all you had to do was show up to the local high school an hour in advance with $6 and enough footspeed to haul ass down to the ringside seats the second they open the door.
My neighbor Eric and I showed up and got our ringside seats. There were a lot of forgettable preliminary bouts, but the main event is something I'll never forget. It was the WWF champ, Bob Backlund, vs. The Iron Sheik. Keep in mind this is around the time of the hostage crisis in Iran, the Russians were stockpiling weapons, (along with the US), and international tensions were running EXTREMELY high. For an Iranian wrestler come to Williamsport PA and spit on the American flag in front of 300 rabid flag waving wrestling fans was an act of bravery in and of itself. All he had to do was show up, and it would have gotten the crowd yelling for his head. But he did more than that.

Showmanship.

Bob Backlund was introduced first, to an earsplitting standing ovation. Not because he was the personification of the American spirit, but because we knew he was going to kick the living SHIT out of the hated Iron Sheik.
The Sheik was introduced next. He came out of the tunnel waving the Iranian flag. He was yelling at each individual spectator within arm's reach (including me) all the way to the ring. The crowd was SCREAMING for blood! I remember looking around thinking "Wow. This guy is able to get this kind of reaction from these people just by showing his face."
He put a knee up on the ring to pull himself up, and Bob Backlund took a step towards him. He jumped back down and walked around the ring again, waving the flag, yelling anti-American slogans in everyone's face. People were screaming, throwing cups, obscenities, popcorn, whatever they could. He walked back out, shouting a final "Irrran Numbair Vun! USA-PTOOEY!!" before disappearing back into the tunnel.

Showmanship.

The crowd got even LOUDER as he disappeared. I didn't think that was possible. You could hear the tone of the crowd growing more hoarse. After a few minutes, which seemed like an hour, he reappeared from the tunnel and made his way through the increasingly maddened crowd. Waving the flag, more cursing America. There was almost a mob mentality that you couldn't help but get caught up in. Eric and I were screaming "Get in the ring, you coward!!" along with everyone else. He made a few more laps around the ring waving the flag before finally getting in the ring.
I don't remember who won the match. Probably Backlund. If the Sheik won, I'm sure he cheated. It didn't really matter. I saw first hand how a true performer can put a crowd in the palm of his hand without even breaking a sweat, literally and figuratively.
We all know what the WWF has evolved (devolved?) into. Explosions. Weak, hackneyed storylines. Half human/half silicon girls with no self-esteem parading around the ring. Lame characters. There's only one thing missing.

Showmanship.

They always come in 3's

We all know about the recent passing of Tim Russert, and the great George Carlin, but one that got overlooked is Stan Winston. He was the special effects mastermind behind the original Terminator, and the first two Alien movies (the only ones that really count). If you check out his imdb page, you'll see the incredible body of work he's compiled. He will be missed, whether you knew he existed or not.

Testing, testing....

Just wondering: Did everyone who ever started one of these blogspots start off with a post saying "testing, testing"?